Yes, I am probably the one person in the world who runs away from the gratitude bandwagon.

Gratitude is very in right now. 

In religion, being grateful is the foundation for everything else: gratitude for salvation, for life, for blessings, for suffering which could be worse. For the good things you enjoy unearned.

In spirituality, being grateful is supposed to raise your vibration, attract what you want to manifest, and make you a happier person.

I just can’t get away from it. Everywhere I turn, someone is admonishing me to be grateful.

This is why talk of gratitude makes me run: 

When I was growing up, “gratitude” was used to shut me up when it came to abuse.

I actually “had it good.” My stepfather was short with me because I “had a ride on the gravy train” while he didn’t get to see his own kids as often as he wanted. Things could “always be worse.” And then they’d paint a horrific picture of slave children in prisons (also known as kids whose parents didn’t love or discipline them and who sent them to–shudder–public school).

As a teenager, I was expected to take change of my own education and co-parent my five younger siblings. I was lucky to see people outside of my family once or twice a week (literally–we lived in the country and saw other people at church or grocery shopping).

I didn’t know anything about depression, abuse, or cults. I just knew that I wasn’t okay. I was told that my feelings were just irrational teenage hormones like everyone endures, and that I should keep a gratitude journal.

Yes. Isolated, depressed, brainwashed and taking on age-inappropriate responsibility, and the solution was “think of three things every day that you’re grateful for.”

Fuck that shit.

Someone once said that using the reward system with our clients (gold stars, ice cream outings) is the same concept as us getting paid for our jobs. Our paycheck, she said, is our reward. I most emphatically disagree with that. I’m not getting rewarded for a task; I’m being recompensed for expended energy. I shouldn’t have to be grateful that someone is paying me in exchange for the energy and value I’m bringing.

My promise to myself is that I will always allow myself to be honest with my feelings, whether they are positive or negative. What I have to offer is worth something. Fuck pretending. Fuck conjuring up positive emotions for shades of shitty experience. And fuck this idea that I deserve nothing and should be grateful to get anything.

Not focusing on “gratitude” doesn’t mean that I want to be Eeyore. I would love to be a sunny, positive person. So I’m trying out “appreciation.”

Appreciation is an acknowledgement of the thing or person, a thanking or recognition of their effort, contribution, or presence. Appreciation is on the same level, neither coming from a position of lower-ness and supplication or from arrogance. Appreciation says “we are the same, and just as I sometimes contribute to you, now you are contributing to me.” It acknowledges balance and cycles.

Gratitude is unbalanced. It says “I deserve nothing so whatever I get must be a treasure.” It says “regardless of what I actually need or how useful this is, I must accept what I am given with thanks.” It says “esteeming this situation is more important than my feelings.”

I am Done with gratitude. I deserve to be treated with respect. And good things deserve to be appreciated.

Anyone else have thoughts on gratitude?